Gagoghs

May 1st, 2024

I keep hearing him call my name outside of space and time. It’s been occurring every day the past several days. I hear it right by my left ear. Today was much more potent than before. yesterday it sounded almost like a shouting but it was clearly his voice shouting my name. I heard it mor through my left ear rather than my right. This morning, his breathy gravelly voice said it clear as day as he lay next to me. I asked if he calle my name and he woke up. I just asked Go why I keep hearing him say my name. I’ve heard it before from time to time, but not with this level of frequency.

Other moments would be when I was still living in my apartment doing the dishes while he was working out on the mesa and nowhere in sight. I’d video call with him to check if he was ok, and his response was always, “absolutely fine, beautiful. Are you ok?” This was years ago. I had no clue it would repeat with such ferocity.

May 8th, 2024

He jumped off the bridge Wednesday, May 1^st 2024 sometime between 7:00 p.m. and 8:33 P.m.

We’d been crying a lot because we both felt he was going to pass in his sleep that night. He was so run down and barely functioning, yet still painted. He put all of his energy into those last paintings. We went downstairs to take a nap because we were both so exhausted from the preparing discussions and what his wishes were. It was early evening sometime around 7:00 ish. He pet me to sleep which was so nice. When I woke up, he was not at home, and his truck was gone. Considering how he was feeling, I knew where he’d gone.

He spoke so often of leaving of his own accord, but recent years and months it was always, “I don’t know. Maybe I’ll go in my sleep, maybe I’ll get better and live another 10 years? Let’s see what happens.” I know he was happy. He hadn’t been depressed in a few years. I think the last 4 years he freed himself from his depression. He was so grateful for my help with him.

I drove out immediately to find his truck. I saw the truck, sought out the security officer and let him know that I thought my husband jumped off the bridge. He asked his questions, and I tried my best to answer them through my extreme distress. I fell to my knees in just absolute agony. He walked with me to identify the truck. I needed to use the restroom. He did his suicide watch triple check to be sure I wouldn’t harm myself in the restroom due to the distress. I thanked him tremendously for his service and the work he’s doing. He had me sit in his vehicle while we waited for authorities.

The first two trucks looked in to identify the lock mechanisms and the tools they needed to break into the truck and retrieve the note they saw on the seat. The deputy asked me questions. I shared how sick he’d been and I think he did it to protect me from seeing his body. The deputy expressed his condolences for the situation. Said he knows I likely want to stay out here with them, but asked me to go home and they’d come out to update me. I gave him directions to the house and left for home.

I called John and Jeovani, and drove home. It still doesn’t feel real. I’m going to be in shock for a while, I imagine. It’s now Wednesday the 8^th? A week today. A week. A whole week without being able to touch him. That part is going to be difficult. He’s immediately started talking to me through music and telempathy. That night he appeared in dream space to me. He showed himself as different beings he never had the chance to paint. Of course he’d be painting with his ethereal form as soon as he released himself from his body. That’s so much like him.

He’s never left me this whole time. I love you so much, Patrick, or twin flame? I know names didn’t mean much for him. This is a lot. I have so much to do. I have to catalogue, photograph everything, varnish all of the paintings, package it all, move it all to storage, find a Toyota Tacoma to live out of for a while until I find myself a camper trailer of some sort. Sell my Subaru. Get a missing persons report, file for power of attorney. Sell my keyboard. Build a shelving unit to support the artwork. Sell his tattoo stuff. Sell my Magic cards. Sell the motorcycle and the tools. Organize the memorial. Attend the memorial and deal with the insanity of all of these other people. And then figure out my next steps. Where am I going to go first? What am I going to see? What adventures will I experience with my lovely travel companion in this new and bizarre form?

What do I take with me on my travels? Are there any specific paintings I want to take with me? Or do I want to keep all of it in storage and get prints made of them all and travel with the prints in portfolio form of specific pieces? I have to curate those. I have to identify and research what state I want to use as my “Home base” and I need to get a security deposit box to store certain things.

So much to configure. I know there’s more and much of what I just outlined may shift and adjust, but it is overwhelming for one person. One step at a time, Janay`. Who knows what this Widow’s Journey will hold.

Thank you for reading the words of a newly found widow, dear reader. Until next time.

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May 9th, 2024

Hello lovely spirit reading this journey. Last night, I decided I’d be the only person to be able to truly honor the essence of Patrick in a memorial. Nobody else could honor his impact like I can. He never cared for the idea of grief, but more in a way to help people look at their reflection and appreciate what they have available to them. I’ve been thinking about the memorial a lot today.

I woke up and the last couple of mornings I’ve been seeing his face as I wake. He’s not going to leave me. At least not for a while. It’s so beautiful to have his presence so potent and ever present. It feels so uncomfortable, but correct. This doesn’t feel codependent either. It feels more like he’s a dedicated guardian. Like my primary guardian. I know that every word I write or think is instantly understood by him. Patrick, I love you so completely with my whole being and soul.

After I woke up, I meditated, then started thinking of how he’d feel against my body and he started flirting with me energetically. He sent what felt like electrical charges through all of my nerves. It seemed to penetrate straight through to my soul and activated my libido in a very potent way and I wasn’t able to ignore it. Even so, it was a deeply uncomfortable experience so soon following his death. It was extremely uncomfortable to feel or allow myself to feel under the context. Will this feeling pass?

I understand that this may only feel as such because of social conditioning and western culture, because this also felt very natural and correct to work with him in this way. The cognitive dissonance of these coexisting ideas has been causing a barrier for me from my own personal intimacy. There’s a bizarre sensation associated with this spiritual interplay that feels negrophilic in a way and that feels gross to me. However, he’s been encouraging this connection in a totally different way than when he was physically present.

It feels like his physical body held such a barrier between our spiritual connection in that arena because of his need to complete his work. He was as present as he could be with me, but even so, it was always overshadowed with that drive for his work. The passion of love making wasn’t a priority for him, and I understood that. He definitely wanted to please me, and it was a very healthy love life in that sense. But now his work is done. He’s free from his body, and I think he’s wanting to play with me, protect me, guide me, and support me.

This is a level of devotion I’ve never expected from a partner, let alone a “dead” one. The physical body understands this unique shift in our relationship state and this level of omnipresence in relation to my existential reality as a romantic devotion. I also understand that I’m experiencing this interpretation through my own lense of Romanticism. I cannot fully comprehend the actual functionality of this present dynamic state in my own physical form, so I’m extremely uncomfortable in these waters. We are deeply intertwined.

He had to fully let go of his body to be free enough to fully express his love to me. I had to experience the “lack” mentality of my own relationship with Romance itself in order to embrace it again? I don’t know. This is all so very much. I’m grateful to take this step into my romantic side again, but to experience his very loud declarations of passion and love to me through sending me song after song from my Apple music on shuffle, has been a bit too overwhelming. Songs with bizarre lyrics I never resonated with before are coming through with different and very personal contexts and messages at exactly the right time so regularly it is impossible to ignore. This is him communicating with me in the physical realm. Still, it is overwhelming and extremely frustrating to experience this level of Romance from him, now after he’s dead when he never allowed himself to be this romantic with me in life. That feels agonizingly painful at times. 6 potent years we had seeking and growing existentially and intensely together. That is something far more than I could have hoped for from the absolute love of my life. Thank you, my love, my strange man. And thank you reader for staying with me through all of this.

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May 10th, 2024

Hello reader. Here we go again! I keep having dreams that are challenging my fears and beliefs right now. The 2nd night I was at a concert/zoo (representing the human zoo) but this family had a bunch of tigers on leashes. I was terrified of them. Last night I dreamt of being on this strange tram and working in a weird subway sort of situation which represented a previous employment location. A coworker I’d had trouble with was challenging me, and I was getting ready to fight her. My diplomacy skills are not where they need to be under these conditions. That was my takeaway from this dream.

I understand that these are coming into my mind to test my constitution and let me know where it lands within me. These dreams are telling me I have more work to do around strengthening my centered-ness. I have been doing a fantastic job of communicating what I need under these circumstances, though when it came to my mother I was a tad aggressive. She was trying to express condolences though she managed to layer in her unique toxicity. I didn’t have to point it out, but I also didn’t need to give her any semblance of opportunity to be toxic with me. I said to give my elder sister, my love, and then she tried to guilt trip me into reaching out to her. That’s not my job. She hasn’t been family to me in a very long time, and our history is extremely painful.

But I took the bait. I called her out on her passive aggressive bullshit. I definitely do not have any room for that right now. This widow has far more to navigate on her journey. I said thank you for the condolences, but she has a lot more work to do if she’s wanting any semblance of a mother daughter relationship with me. She said it was a backhanded compliment which it was not. I said I didn’t need any unnecessary guilt trips right now and then prayed that someday Karin will be able to see the truth of the consequences of her chosen blindness as it relates to robbing her of having a quiality cosmic mother daughter relationship bondk; a healthy one. I asked her that until she’s ready to do the work, please do not contact me again and then I blocked her because, well, I’m newly widowed and am particularly vulnerable to potential harm right now.

I’m a widow. I’m 33 and a Widow. That is not an identity I intend to adopt. I have to be extremely careful not to adopt that as an identity or title. In terms of my mental health with all of this, I have things to do. 10 Deal with the fact that I have fears and to act despite them. 2) Deal with abandonment issues and not self-sabotage existing relationships despite that. 3) deal with my sensitive reactionary potential with all of my old stuff getting stirred up. 4) Strengthen my Commander and Chief or maybe appoint a new one because the old commander and chief is severely damaged by this. Yeah, she’s getting abnormally protective of the other facets of self and I cannot allow that to grow into a distorted toxic practice. Ok! I think I have a plan as far as my mental health is concerned. Let me see if I can do some work around that with my meditation this morning.

The following is an account of my deep visualization strategy through EMDR techniques from my therapy sessions. I’m sharing this with you because it is a very real and very raw experience that may serve someone out there. Things to note, this is a deep visualization practice that should only be done with a professional EMDR therapist. If this is a technique that is intriguing for you, please seek out a professional to help guide you in the construction of your own mind palace and finding the facets of self you need to work on that is unique to you. Please do not try working on this alone. I’ve gained proficiency in navigating this in a healthy way.

Another thing to note, this is a safe space that I have designed specific to me where no other entity is able to access my subconscious so when Patrick arrived into the space, I was particularly perplexed. That being said, my trust and cosmic connection with him is so beyond anything I’ve ever experienced, and that allowed me to feel comfortable to work with him in this space. Another thing to note, I am not claiming that his presence is entirely separate from me. That is how it feels to my “clairvoyance” type abilities but I cannot know if it is a projection of my own mind or not. Nor does that even matter. The nature of this interaction is serving me in a deeply healthy and healing way, and seeking the absolute truth is of little importance in that context. Enjoy!

I was able to go into my mind palace and retired my previous master and commander. She was compromised by this event with Patrick. Patrick was having the run of my mind and my body in some instances. He was playing with my consciousness in ways that he thought was helpful for me, but were a bit more invasive than I was ready for.

I retired the old master and commander and created a pod for her. I put Patrick’s things into the space and then Lo and behold Patrick came floating into the space. He gave the old captain tons of affection and love; tackled her with affection. And I, the new commander stood there stunned. I was in awe of how this totally different entity was able to penetrate this mind palace and interact with me intimately in this way. After I snapped out of my stunned state, I put a stop to the interactions and took him on a tour of the mind palace.

As we toured I had to put facets of self that were affected by this event back into their pods. My 15 year old self was activated by this because of the anger associated with abandonment. Patrick saw her and was just so in love with this little version of me in a wholesome healthy masculine way. He held space for her and expressed his amazement for her strength and beauty. She giggled and calmed down as I sent her to her pod. Then, there were a couple of younger and older versions of me that I scooted off.

Suddenly, my sexy facet of self came walking out, and it was like a gartoonish awooga type moment. I asked him, “Hey what about your whole thing about women trying to present in sexy ways, as not being sexy?”

He said, “Well yea, but this is YOU! It’s different.” So the two of them were flirting with one another, and I immediately recognized that this was the facet of self that Patrick was trying to help move things through the last week. I think he’s trying to “take care of me” so I do not act on any impulses to satisfy my body through being irresponsible in distress. Then there’s other parts of my sexuality that couldn’t be fully activated when he was alive because of the barriers that he’s been trying to satisfy. On top of that, he’s having fun playing with pleasing me from a totally different platform of access to me.

I’m having difficulty with all of that for a variety of reasons. He’s not alive, so it feels necrophilic in some ways. He’s been pushing a bit extra, so I took him from this sexy facet of self, I put her in her pod, and through that barrier the two of them were like salivating at each other and it was fucking weird!!! I told him to walk with me to my office. Along the way he kept saying, “Wow this place is beautiful! You’ve done an amazing job building this place, Janay`. I love this so much! (Pause) You’re incredible.” Once I sat him down across from me in my office, I said to him, “Ok here are the rules. You cannot engage with any facet of self that is on lock down in their pods without the express permission of both that facet of self as well as me. I understand you’re trying to help me out by pushing me through some things sexually, so I’m not totally destroyed for future sexual relationships, but it has to be done with gentle time. Feel free to play with the facets of self that are in the common areas. This office command center is not going to be accessible by you without my express permission. Are we in accordance?” He nodded.

“Absolutely! Thank you for being careful with yourself, and I’m sorry I was making you uncomfortable. I just have to take accountability and responsibility for how this has caused you harm. I see that I caused you harm and I am in agreement to be more careful.”

After this, I seemed to be ok. I said, “Ok, Now I need some true privacy while I try to work on some of this intimacy stuff on my own. Now go away and leave me alone.” He left me to my own devices which seemed to help tremendously, but I definitely have some more work to do.

Thanks for reading this account. I am not claiming to be normal by any stretch of the imagination, but I do recognize my articulate capabilities, and capacity to understand what is healthy vs. unhealthy. If I am not able to identify it right away, I do seek to find the truth through in-depth personal examination to find healthy solutions to internal conflict. I hope to help someone along the way. Have a great day!

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May 11th, 2024

Hello reader. I awoke this morning before my alarm. I feel numb mostly. After I retired the old master and commander of this ship, I seem to be functioning much better. I think I’ll call her the Widow’s Peak. However, I just realized after hours of sorting papers, photos, prints, transparencies and documents, that I have had to compartmentalize myself. I had to severely fragment myself. The me that I was when I was with him, I’ve had to dissociate from the present self so I may be functional to complete this overwhelming task, alone.

I’ve had to do this from the sheer trauma of this life event. I was extremely triggered by seeing his teeth that I found sealed into a sterile package. He’d had two impacted wisdom teeth removed and kept them. I literally found his very own Jumper’s teeth! FUCK!!!!! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! Fuuuuuuuuuuck! Sone of a bitch! I’m so fucking angry with him right now. They may never find his fucking body, but hey at least I’l have the fucker’s jumper’s teeth!

My present self really feels bizarre as all hell. I don’t feel complete at all. It’s like my entire whole self I’d healed before this moment is totally removed from me. This version of Janay’ is just the shell of a body. My soul was ripped from my body violently with him and I’m going to have to mosaic myself back the fuck together and into a deformed fetal baby frankenstein head, or something like that. I don’t fucking know. I just feel numb.

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May 15th, 2024

Hello readers. Thanks so much for being here and following this Journey. I’m experiencing a bitterness of not being able to physically connect with Patrick the way we are connected now when we were intimate. I’m experiencing a flaring of impulsivity as a result. The connection I have with Patrick now is a much higher level of connection of consciousness in the wholesome cosmic sense. But nonetheless that bitterness must be coming from a place that is associated with the fact I’m not going to be able to experience that with him in the physical sense ever again. The bitterness is fueling the impulsivity I’m feeling. The human physical sexual drive is a weirdly irrelevant experience when we look at the whole of existence and spirituality in context. Or perhaps I say that as a form of dissociation from the trauma of this? There is a spiritual functionality in the sexual sense, I’m sure, but perhaps my bitterness isn’t allowing me to accept that fully.

I wrote that before my session with Roxy. In the session with Roxy, I was able to vocalize my boundaries with Patrick as it pertains to his flirtations and pursuit of healing my sexuality. I’m allowing his flirtations to penetrate because the affection is healing. However, his advancements on my sexuality are a hard no. I had to assert that his guilt on how it has affected my ability to connect with other humans in the future is his own. I have to work on this myself. He chose to leave, and this is mine to navigate for myself. I said, “If you can’t trust me to care for myself, then what the fuck was all that work for when you were still alive?” He heeded and acknowledged the truth in that. I said, “I don’t know what you need from me to support you in you letting go of your guilt.”

He responded, “Actually what you’re doing. Setting boundaries and being clear about yourself.”

 Then I met with a local medium friend. He stated a couple of things about Patrick that I’ve never communicated to him. I barely know this man, but he and I connected well. There were no ulterior motives that I could get a sense for. I challenged his use of language and vice versa. It was quite the refreshing engagement. Patrick seemed to like him. He did a fun little play on names and words with me. We’d take the letters of the name of our loved ones, and write down the first words that come to our mind. This is supposed to be a fun communication from the person who passed. I did it with Patrick’s name, So I’m going to do that now with my own name. Jasper Antithesis Narcissist Abolish Yum Ha! How about my last name? Marry Alabaster Lemon Lick On Nipples Hey! Mister! That crossed that boundary! Sorry this entry was somewhat bizarre, but hey! Never know what you’re going to get when it comes to Gagoghs or his widow!

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May 17th, 2024

Here’s your reminder to do some self-care, and not this overindulgence gluttony type behavior to give into impulses, but genuine self-care. I did self-care and felt guilty for it, but I did it anyway. My attention required me to drive down to Santa Fe to activate my account with the climate-controlled storage locker. I got myself an eye exam so I could order new glasses online for cheap. These scripts should last a while so I’m keeping the records. I also got my hair treated and a haircut. I have trouble feeling comfortable with my natural frizziness. This morning on the devil’s playground of social media, Patrick sent me a little clip of someone embracing their curls when it’s humid out. Thank you, babe.

I took myself to dinner at Paper Dosa. It was a lovely experience. One of the

workers in the kitchen was having fun dancing and singing that I couldn’t help but smile at his joy. A sweet couple were seated next to me at the bar, and they finally started talking to me after they’d finished their meals. I took my time with mine. Giving thanks and appreciation and watching people. The conversation was casual yet genuine. Returned to the hotel, and took a nice long soak in the hot tub downstairs. I’m considering doing that again before I leave but, I don’t think I will. I really should get back to chopper, our Cat friend.

I’m just writing a bit to get some logging done and have some reflection. I spoke to Patrick quite a bit. He was flirting with me on the drive down, a lot. His persistence in helping me to relax into something he knows is safe for me. This situation is incredibly sweet and is teaching me to relax. He’s always had a way of softening me out of my fears. I think it’s going to help me moving forward. I’m stubborn as all hell, as is he, but there’s an innate trust we’ve always had with one another beyond this physical realm. My boundary of keeping him from my sexuality was due to my fear of activating something within me from the past that had potential to make run amuck. This tightness has been lingering for a while now, but I’m fairly certain that I’ll be ok. He keeps reminding me of my own power and strength to stick to my boundaries well. Here’s to boundary setting!

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May 18th, 2024

I put on my husband’s podcast this morning. First thing out of his mouth. First words I heard outside of myself were, “I love my lady.” Melt.

May 21st, 2024

Today feels much better than yesterday; very productive. I picked up a quality SD card, I helped a homeless man, I got a safe deposit box, pulled out bunches of stuff from my unit that I can deliver as a donation to CAV tomorrow. Tomorrow. I am going to get up. Go for a hike, get coffee, varnish the last 4 layers on the l 2 pieces upstairs and let it ventilate before the winds come. Then go to the CAV to donate

Adjusting to being totally isolated out here is a big part of this experience. I have access to social media which served as a proxy for socialization whenever I was isolated. But I’ve stepped away from social media. And it’s really only going to serve a business function anymore. Or the messenger is going to be a point of contact for me. At least for old friends who are spread out all over the country. I’m having trouble with having a fairly high libido with little actual interest in sex with anyone as well. I was able to be intimate with Patrick just days before he passed and that was beautiful. I had a feeling it was going to be the last time with him in that way, so the love simply radiated through the cosmos. At least that’s how it felt.

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May 24th, 2024

Hello reader. My apologies for not greeting you the last couple of entries. My widow’s journey has been kicked into high gear, I guess. I have allowed my grief to overwhelm my nervousness. For this fleshy urn seems tethered to my love. I call it urn as to acknowledge the holes within my mind that have rotted along with the decayed and flooded cellular structures in the discarded vessel who served him so well in life. Being certain with great clarity, my own container will be just as discarded as his in the future. It was a gradual approach but still yet sudden, striking at my essence. Stunning it into subservience to the immediacy of this fleshy costume of my own and the subsequent demand for the required compassion of its effects.

My acknowledgment of my lover’s specter has induced a spiritual madness mauling my connection to this less tangible physical reality. The constancy of his postmortem affections toward me are potent. Grandiose! As if all of my professions before his choice to plunge into the Rio Grande instantaneously engulfed him into an ecstatic regret. In life he had little capacity for conventional romance. Professions such as those, were reserved for a naive younger man, and his first wife; A gift he felt he’d wasted. He’d said as much upon occasion, as he expressed a great lamenting for me and my experience in the vacancy of his affections. Perhaps this might serve as a support for someone in the future to recognize the importance of expressing love while you have the chance in life. Not everyone has the ability to perceive the dead as I do. I love you. Keep on moving forward. Don’t give up.

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May 27th, 2024

I am hitting a low period. And this sucks. I was having trouble monitoring my social media usage. I put stuff up for sale on Facebook marketplace. But no bites. People who can afford the stuff I’m selling can afford new stuff. We live in a capitalistic society! Gotta love that! There are some beautiful birds fluttering by the window while I’ve been doom scrolling all fucking morning. I have a cold or cold like symptoms. Which I was expecting but thought it would hit me sooner.

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2024:

April / June / July / August / September / October / November / December

May 1st, 8th, 9th, 10th, 11th, 15th, 17th, 18th, 21st, 24th, 27th